love·ly (lvl)adj. love·li·er, love·li·est
She's just really... nice, engaging, thoughtful, encouraging, witty, smart, gentle, delicate, bold, soft, kind, interesting, interested, genuine, she follows through, she remembers details, she stays in really good shape, she dresses nicely, she smiles, she makes eye contact, she has lovely friends, an important job, a handsome husband, an amazing little girl... I could go on and on but at risk of drifting dangerously close to creeper ...
But like how does she do it?
No, for real, how?
I am not trying to trick people into complementing me...we all have good stuff and bad stuff and we're part of the body and there is grace.. but we still want to be the best, most refined, like Jesus, dead to self person we can be, right? I mean.. right? That's what we want?
To my knowledge this person does not know Jesus.
Why does she seem more like him then me?
At the end of the day we do what are true intention is; it seems to me anyway.
I say, "I intend to lose weight."
What I do is sit with a friend and enjoy fresh pasta with a dollop of pesto and a few glasses of wine. I laugh, I listen to music, put my feet up and I feel relaxed.
I did not drink water with salad and a chicken breast, run 2 miles, do squat thrusts, push ups and sit ups.
My true intention was to relax. Bummer.
But I'm sure Emily wants to relax and put her feet up with her friends etc... it just all seems to be about balance and/or self discipline or somethin.
Stupid balance. Stupid self discipline...or somethin...
I bang on like such a martyr, "where's the bleeping time?!" I am at my job for over ten hours a day... I gotta wash dishes, clean my underpants, use the toilet (NOT GLAMOROUS THINGS)...
But, you know what, self? So does everybody else. Even Emily... so it seems she'd managed to develop a natural lifestyle of self awareness, self discipline and self control..I don't know how it works.
But I just wanna understand how to develop and have that thing.
How to naturally make the decision to sometimes have a run and sometimes have a sit down.
For my day to automatically contain things like exercise, wise eating, grooming rituals (from plucking eyebrows, shaving the bikini line, washing my hair, painting my toe nails...flossing...) so I am at least mildly attractive or at the very least not resembling Chewbacca. To care about other people even if my boss made me cry, to have patience that doesn't run out for the people I love the most and even ones I don't, to take time to seek first the kingdom of heaven, to not have the mindset I am entitled to double chocolate fudge fudge fudge ice cream after a 10 hour day, cuz you know what? I feel like I am....
Why do little wise decisions that seem to be instinctive for people like Emily seem such an utter chore to me... an endless edition to an endless list that endlessly goes on till the day I finally die...
I don't mean to sound so dramatic it's just I feel so dramatically about it and I don't know how to begin having the conviction to sort it with out doing so with the push of the dramatics....
I feel like if Emily would read this (besides being creeped out) she might just look at me and blink and say, "but just calm down, just work out a little, just stop eating more calories then you burn, just stop getting cross so easily, just shape your eyebrows a bit... just calm down...."