Saturday, August 6, 2011

Why Can't I Be like Emily... I mean Jesus...

There's this woman I know, well, I say "know"... I see her almost every Monday-Thursday when she drops off/picks up her child from nursery. She is just lovely. She just is. And I don't mean lovely in a generic sense like there is nothing I can come up with to say about her. She just actually is lovely:
love·ly (lvl)adj. love·li·er, love·li·est
1. Full of love; loving.
2. Inspiring love or affection.
3. Having beauty that appeals to the emotions as well as to the eye. See Synonyms at beautiful.
4. Enjoyable; delightful

She's just really... nice, engaging, thoughtful, encouraging, witty, smart, gentle, delicate, bold, soft, kind, interesting, interested, genuine, she follows through, she remembers details, she stays in really good shape, she dresses nicely, she smiles, she makes eye contact, she has lovely friends, an important job, a handsome husband, an amazing little girl... I could go on and on but at risk of drifting dangerously close to creeper ...
But like how does she do it?
No, for real, how?
I am not trying to trick people into complementing me...we all have good stuff and bad stuff and we're part of the body and there is grace.. but we still want to be the best, most refined, like Jesus, dead to self person we can be, right? I mean.. right? That's what we want?
To my knowledge this person does not know Jesus.
Why does she seem more like him then me?
At the end of the day we do what are true intention is; it seems to me anyway.
I say, "I intend to lose weight."
What I do is sit with a friend and enjoy fresh pasta with a dollop of pesto and a few glasses of wine. I laugh, I listen to music, put my feet up and I feel relaxed.
I did not drink water with salad and a chicken breast, run 2 miles, do squat thrusts, push ups and sit ups.
My true intention was to relax. Bummer.
But I'm sure Emily wants to relax and put her feet up with her friends etc... it just all seems to be about balance and/or self discipline or somethin.
Stupid balance. Stupid self discipline...or somethin...
I bang on like such a martyr, "where's the bleeping time?!" I am at my job for over ten hours a day... I gotta wash dishes, clean my underpants, use the toilet (NOT GLAMOROUS THINGS)...
But, you know what, self? So does everybody else. Even Emily... so it seems she'd managed to develop a natural lifestyle of self awareness, self discipline and self control..I don't know how it works.
But I just wanna understand how to develop and have that thing.
How to naturally make the decision to sometimes have a run and sometimes have a sit down.
For my day to automatically contain things like exercise, wise eating, grooming rituals (from plucking eyebrows, shaving the bikini line, washing my hair, painting my toe nails...flossing...) so I am at least mildly attractive or at the very least not resembling Chewbacca. To care about other people even if my boss made me cry, to have patience that doesn't run out for the people I love the most and even ones I don't, to take time to seek first the kingdom of heaven, to not have the mindset I am entitled to double chocolate fudge fudge fudge ice cream after a 10 hour day, cuz you know what? I feel like I am....
Why do little wise decisions that seem to be instinctive for people like Emily seem such an utter chore to me... an endless edition to an endless list that endlessly goes on till the day I finally die...
I don't mean to sound so dramatic it's just I feel so dramatically about it and I don't know how to begin having the conviction to sort it with out doing so with the push of the dramatics....
I feel like if Emily would read this (besides being creeped out) she might just look at me and blink and say, "but just calm down, just work out a little, just stop eating more calories then you burn, just stop getting cross so easily, just shape your eyebrows a bit... just calm down...."

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Facts and the Truth

My husband left yesterday to fly to Tanzania and climb Mt Kilimanjaro. He is traveling with the purpose of playing a 'plugged in' gig at the tip top. This would be record breaking as all previous records included acoustic gigs only. Onward they go merely hoping the generators, batteries and instruments work... not to mention they all adjust to the climate change which is apparently the hardest part. A climb like Kilimanjaro is more of an intense hike with the problems usually stopping people in terms of altitude adjustment.
Man do I hate that.

You see, I don't know too much about mountain climbing, Tanzania, or really even gigs. I just don't want my husband to be bitten by a poisonous snake, sucked by a malaria mosquito, stepped on by a massive grey elephant, bitten by a Mufasa lion, or held hostage by a native Tanzanian with an AK47.

But the good thing is: God has not given me a spirit of fear; instead he has given me his spirit of power, love and a sound mind. Also I have the mind of Christ-his thoughts are higher then my own. He promises to be Chad's front and rear guard, to go before him, to give him endurance, to make his feet like that of the deer, he has all dominion b/c of Christ in him; over the beast of the field, he has angels encamped about him, he has a blood line drawn around him- NOTHING is more powerful then the blood, he has favour with God and man, no poisonous thing can touch him, no weapon formed against him shall prosper-he is more then a conqueror, Chad's praise will be a sweet sound to the ears of the Lord and praise will continually be on his lips, he promises to manage his going and his coming, his steps are ordered by God, his feet are steady on the narrow places... there may be some facts I have wrong or right about Africa, Tanzania, Mt Kilimanjaro, airplanes, governments.... but the truth? Well, the truth is greater. And that's what I KNOW. Not think but I KNOW. I know because of who Jesus is. His fullness is in me (and in Chad). Really. The FULLNESS. I love that... not bits of him assemble as I become a 'better Christian'... NO no... I have been crucified with Christ and the FULLNESS OF WHO JESUS IS IN ME. That never stops being cool to me. Seriously wow. All of 'im. Right there ::points to belly button::

anyway. I just needed that pep talk....

pancake anyone?

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Tiny Black Kitten

You know how the phrase, " It's the thought that counts", is usually rubbish? Well, this time it wasn't...(wait for it as I rabble to help make a point)

Sometimes I feel like I can list more things that I find irritating more then things that I find to be 'favourite'... All of Katie's favourite things have to do with the wee ones she brought forth from her womb.

Some of my favourite things:

  • Pizza. I mean it. I LOVE pizza. Not like it a lot I mean LOVE. LOVE. I love it. Proper pizza, that is. You know the kind. Like Pizza City. It would be my request for my last meal.

  • I love the sound of fingers sliding across the strings of an acoustic guitar. It's almost sexy.

  • I love the first time it is warm enough to wear a 'spring time skirt'. And you take off your shoes and it's green and the death of winter is finally over.

  • Dr Pepper. SO cold that the fizz hurts your throat a little... mmm dr pepper and pizza...::drools::

  • I love making people really good food that they like, especially when it blesses them beyond mere tummy and tongue satisfaction.

  • Sleeping in. Simple.

  • I love laughing really hard with people you love and know super well. That feeling when you take a much needed deep breath after laughing... I mean it's fun to laugh at a funny show but there is something great about true 'knowing you' laughter. I miss it :( But I shall have it this weekend at my 'Britishy Parents'/Kate's actual parents' house with Kate/Ross, Chad and Colin too.

  • I love the Coffee Company. Cuz that's just it... it has great coffee and company, even if you walk in by yourself, there is ALWAYS great company there.

  • and Kittens/cats. I love kittens. It takes great self control to not spiral down the dark hole of being crazy cat lady material. Seriously, I see one and I feel a little panicky. I wanna cuddle and kiss it and give it a home. And in my NATURAL non Spirit man I feel more emotion and compassion to a hurt lost kitten then I do to a hurt lost person.

So to the point... I am trying to drive home the level that I love kittens. We don't have one yet. We have names for out future kittens: Chubbs and Biscuit. Do we have baby names picked out? H*#% no. But kitten names? It's written in stone.

So for my Birthday that just past my husband had picked out Biscuit(pictured above) and was gonna bring him home to me as a surprise wrapped in his coat when he got home from leading worship on my Birthday as I slept in. I would hug him hello and the kitten would pop out, mew and love me. And I would love him.

But do you know what the Holy Spirit told my husband 20 minutes before picking Biscuit up?

NO. He said no.

So, Chad hada come home to me empty handed with out a present or a card. He sat down all dejected and told me the almost kitten story.

And that's when I realised my favourite thing.

My favourite thing is my husband's heart. His heart for me and more importantly his heart that is in tune with Holy Spirit. His heart that hears God over emotion. His heart that protects mine.

It's my favourite. More then tiny black kittens.

Thursday, January 21, 2010


So here I am. What I know is that, "God is able to make all grace abound towards me, that I always having all sufficiency in all things, may have an abundance for every good work."

For me this is ever a great revelation of being in Christ Jesus. It's truth. It simply is. It's just funny how grace works. (Not really funny 'ha ha', but more the other kind) It's funny because in order to experience the fullness of it's depths and our need for it- in it's very essence; our sin, our flesh, what makes us too comfortable is put to death but instead we are given true life as we pick up our cross... Now I know that we know this and this is basic 'knowing Jesus' stuff... but I suppose that what I mean is kinda: to experience grace you need grace itself. I am wrinkling my own brain and mainly just expressing myself... but it's cuz....

I am sitting here, knowing I am where I am meant to be. Here in England with the man I have not only chosen to love but am called to love and walk with. And it's good. He declared it good. And I am not sad. I am just a bit raw.
I am part of a body of Christ and ministry that is constantly reminding, encouraging and edifying me to remember that my flesh is dead. I am raised with Christ. It's not I but Christ. I must deny myself. That we are not a 'soul-ish' people but we are people of God's spirit. This is all true. It definitely is... but I think sometimes being around here they accidentally make a person feel like their soul (their mind, will and emotions) is wrong. And it of course isn't. It is wrong when it isn't submitted to the Spirit of God but our soul in it of itself is not wrong. God gave us our soul as part of HIS nature ON PURPOSE. JESUS had a soul.
And right now, my soul is a bit downcast. And it never really has been properly before. I of course have had rough times and what not but Jesus has always graced me with a thick layer of friendships. Friendships that are not only fun, but deeply true, noble, just, pure, lovely, good, virtuous, and even praiseworthy. He has allowed my soul to be really full. My cup overflowed, my love tank was full... just always, even when I had a rough patch I had people to help undo the bad stuff and my heart was just always full. But now.....

Now I don't have those people around me.

I have left most of those people in Lancaster County, PA. And the ones I had in Horsham, England have moved about the country up to 5 hours away. Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of pleasant and polite people around; just not people who minister to my soul. (besides my husband but that's different) But I think that's where He's asking me to experience His grace in a way I never needed to before. Previously, His grace was acted out by giving me a wealth of friendships to minister to me. And now, at least for a time, in His grace He it teaching me that He alone is my all sufficiency. He alone is not only my strength,but in my weakness His strength is made perfect. He alone fills my cup. (He gave me my cup in the first place) What I needa do is walk in the Grace that is there and know who Jesus is more and more.

So here I am. What I know is that, "God is able to make all grace abound towards me, that I always having all sufficiency in all thing, may have an abundance in every good work."